Was "baby" what Patrick Schwarzenegger called Miley Cyrus?

Or was it worse...an investigation.

graphic design is my passion

As the White Lotus concluded its third season last weekend, I could only think of one thing: what did Patrick Schwarzenegger say to become the muse behind one of my favorite songs? I’m speaking of course of BB talk by genius Miley Cyrus, a track from her ‘I just discovered shrooms, did you know psilocybin is actually therapeutic?’ Miley Cyrus & Her Dead Petz era. Incredible album.

Up until last week, I had never wondered about the origins of this song. And then I saw a seemingly endless stream of one Saxon Raitliff and Miley Cyrus—he kind of looks exactly the same, no?

What an era for Instagram filters and men wearing very long shirts!

In BB Talk, Miley laments a relationship in which many things are good—there are 15-minute orgasms (presumably with zero gay incest handjobs) and the feral desire to smell her partner’s armpits and lick his teeth—but several things are driving her insane, like the way her partner baby talks to her constantly, even in front of his mom.

The mom in question is Maria Shriver by the way, in case you want to paint a richer mental picture. My mom had a book from her in our house growing up. I think it was a book of quotes? Cannot recall in spite of reading it like seven times because I was obviously a bored genius.

But I digress.

It sounds like the sex with Patrick Schwarzenegger was really awesome. Congratulations to everyone on that. But the baby talk was so bad that it sent Miley into a spiral, questioning her very character and coolness. “I mean, you put me in these fucking situations where I look like a dumbass bitch / And I'm not a fucking dumbass bitch,” she sings—and she was really onto something there. As Hunter Harris once wrote, “If a man has not embarrassed you…he has just not embarrassed you yet.”

The question is this: exactly how embarrassing was the baby talk? Did he talk in a babbly little voice, the small blubbery kind that one might use for dogs? And chiefly, what was Patrick’s pet name for Miley? Here, I offer a few of the possible culprits:

1. Baby — a classic and classically cringe. Sometimes I find myself accidentally calling my husband of three years “baby” and it still upsets me.

2. Babe — see above and also this and mainly Lindsay and Carl on Summer House calling each other ‘babe’ exactly 13577 in the summer before they ended their engagement on camera. Just say ‘no.’

3. Love — this really upsets me. Why? I’m not sure. I always come back to Dorit from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills calling her loser husband and perfectly fine children ‘my love’ in a little sing song voice with her mystery accent.

   

   Imagine….

4. Dumpling/Muffin/Any other food item — The cursed nickname ‘Dumplin’ was used by Tom Sandoval and Ariana Madix before he cheated on her for months with their friend Raquel and ignited the Scandoval we’re all very tired of at this point. If you loved his deranged singing on the Traitors, then you will really be tickled by his bad accent in this rendition of 500 miles…

5. Bubba — I could probably think of a thousand other bad pet names but this is the one that would put me in a true place of scream-singing BB Talk and crawling around in a diaper to try to humiliate my ex. Divorcees Katie Maloney and Tom Schwartz of Vanderpump Rules were addicted to saying ‘Bubba’ and ‘Bub’ before the demise of their relationship…and even sometimes after. Never forget their cursed Bubba art from their chilling apartment….

I’m realizing now that I have covered like four doomed Bravo relationships in which baby talk was used heavily. Coincidence? I think not.

All is well with Patrick and Miley though—she’s dating a gen Z musician and he’s posing in his boxers with his hot wife for SKIMS. I hope he’s learned to be a little less mushy. If someone made a music video mocking me with a pacifier in their mouth, I would probably end up in Dr. Bobby’s ER on the Pitt, I know that much…